Você não está logado. Para acessar todos os serviços e opções e ter acesso livre ao site, você precisa fazer login. Ainda não se cadastrou? Faça isso agora! O OkCupid é gratuito!
Eu sou shy, complex, writer, poet, good listener e looking for friends
SecretWounds
24 / m / hetero / solteiro(a)
Saint-Laurent, Bélgica
Último login Online Agora! Data de cadastro
Log In para ver as porcentagens
- 1 - 6
MY FIRST BOOK
Summary of my book (still writing it) :
UNNOTICED
Unspoken words, unseen pain, unheard silences… unnoticed at all !
She was lonely, not talking to others, keeping everything to herself, simply… unnoticed. Everyday she felt so much pain deep inside ! Nobody knew, nobody could see, nobody cared…
Everyday she would fake you a smile telling you that everything was alright when sometimes you asked her how she was doing.
What she didn't say you could see into her eyes but nobody ever cared to try. Nobody ever made time to listen to her. Nobody ever cared trying to see the truth between the lies or everything she tried to hide behind those silences and fake smiles. She was feeling lonely, unloved, broken, useless and most of all worthless.
'What's the answer to my life ? Why am I here ? Why am I that way ? Why does it hurt so much ?' were the questions she always had on her mind. So much hate towards herself, and so ashamed of what she was.
Suicide a few times she had tried and like always about that she lied. She needed a way to ease some of her pain, to relax, to feel better. Years ago, she had found one ! She had found some kind of comfort into taking the pain out of herself. The blade my only friend, the only one to undersstand... She thought it was the solution, she thought it would help, she thought there weren't any consequences... She was blind. Addicted to the bone, now everyday she had to hide.
This is the story of a girl suffering in silence, trying to fit into this broken world, trying to survive, dealing with things the only way she knows, drowning deeper everyday, trying to choose between life and death… before she doesn't have a choice anymore !
---
SEE MORE OF MY STUFF :
My Poetry - My Myspace - My blog - My fanfictions - More fanfictions - Some of my creations
UNNOTICED
Unspoken words, unseen pain, unheard silences… unnoticed at all !
She was lonely, not talking to others, keeping everything to herself, simply… unnoticed. Everyday she felt so much pain deep inside ! Nobody knew, nobody could see, nobody cared…
Everyday she would fake you a smile telling you that everything was alright when sometimes you asked her how she was doing.
What she didn't say you could see into her eyes but nobody ever cared to try. Nobody ever made time to listen to her. Nobody ever cared trying to see the truth between the lies or everything she tried to hide behind those silences and fake smiles. She was feeling lonely, unloved, broken, useless and most of all worthless.
'What's the answer to my life ? Why am I here ? Why am I that way ? Why does it hurt so much ?' were the questions she always had on her mind. So much hate towards herself, and so ashamed of what she was.
Suicide a few times she had tried and like always about that she lied. She needed a way to ease some of her pain, to relax, to feel better. Years ago, she had found one ! She had found some kind of comfort into taking the pain out of herself. The blade my only friend, the only one to undersstand... She thought it was the solution, she thought it would help, she thought there weren't any consequences... She was blind. Addicted to the bone, now everyday she had to hide.
This is the story of a girl suffering in silence, trying to fit into this broken world, trying to survive, dealing with things the only way she knows, drowning deeper everyday, trying to choose between life and death… before she doesn't have a choice anymore !
---
SEE MORE OF MY STUFF :
My Poetry - My Myspace - My blog - My fanfictions - More fanfictions - Some of my creations
Todos os comentários devem ser aprovados pelo autor do Blog.
- Loading ...
- Add a Comment
The ability to fake a smile and fool everyone !
Sometimes you wake up in the morning with that weird feeling
inside. You wonder why you�re getting up, what you�re doing here�
and even why you breathe.
You know what to expect, same thing everyday.
You wake up and you know that something�s going to happen, someone will push you over the edge. Every morning you wonder what will get you so upset that the demons inside of you will wake up. You know that, like everyday, your emotions will take control and you can�t control that. You try as hard as you can but there�s nothing to do. That well known tension builds up inside, like the day before and the one before�, and it explodes big time (like in my poem). Then, after you did your thing, what you had to do to feel better or a least a bit less bad for a (short) moment (alcohol, drugs, meds,� � � whatever works for you) you feel even worse than before and guilty for behaving that way and most of all ashamed of yourself.
Same thing every single day, sometimes more than once.
Sometimes during the day you find it hard to breathe. There�s just too many things that you can�t explain, that you don�t understand, you wish you could but the truth is you can�t.
And there�s nobody to confide in and why would you anyway ? How could someone understand what you can�t understand yourself ?
Everyday you wonder how to keep that fake smile upon your face. It�s been years.
Because a smile doesn�t bring other people to possibly think that maybe something�s wrong, something�s bothering you, they take that smile for reality and smile back at you not asking anything.
You can smile at people, for pictures, videos� anything you want, and if you put enough effort into it it looks real. You think I don�t know what I�m talking about ?! I�ve been doing that for nearly 10 years now ! My own family doesn�t know a thing about me. I can fool anyone, parents, other family members, teachers, other students in High School and College, anyone at those stupid medical exams in High School (every two years) and first year at college (doctors, nurses, psychologists� even though I had been told later that they had a file about me so they knew about my past�)� and it has to stay that way. It�s just about having the ability to look �strong� and let no emotions appear on your face.
Yes, you all look at my pictures and say I have a great smile, but you don�t know what hides behind !
Do you have those nightmares at night ? The same ones all the time and then new ones ?
You know what the worst nightmare is ? The story of your life ! And when you see where it leads. When you see it like you�re someone else looking at yourself, doing those things, seeing who you are. When you see your fears coming true ! When you see others not believing in your fake smiles and lies anymore�
Everyday you suffer in silence and you keep it to yourself, like you�ve always done because who cares anyway, or, like me, you write poetry and fanfictions (you can put yourself in the stories you write without anyone to know), and sometimes a book, and find that lots of people can relate to the way you feel, what you�re going through, your daily battle, the one you always fail, the one that keeps you from having a life, from smiling (no fake smiles), from being close to people...
In the end as long as nobody around you, family, can read any of your �private� writing it�s fine, unless you want them to know of course.
And nobody around you knows anything because you don�t want them to. You fear that, them discovering your well hidden secret(s), more than anything else.
You feel so alone but yet you�re the one isolating yourself from everyone and everything, living in your own bubble, hoping that the walls will never fall. And yet the same time you wish here was someone. Someone to listen, understand and care. Someone who could let you cry in their arms. Someone to come inside the bubble you seclude yourself in. Someone who could tell you how to change, what to do, how to do it� Someone who could find the words to cheer you up. Someone you could confide in even though you can�t put words on your feelings.
In fact you wish you could put your life into someone�s hand and wait for that person to fix everything and then you�re someone else.
But as you woke up everyday you know you are all alone, alone to lose that daily battle, alone to lose control, alone to give in the temptation, alone to give up on yourself. Everyday you look at yourself with disgust. Everyday you wish it was the end, that this nightmare you�ve been living for years would finally end. Everyday you have that big smile upon your face and no one knows what�s behind.
The truth is nobody could understand you and nobody would even want to try. Face the truth you�re alone !
You are ignored, abandoned, rejected, by all, sometimes since you were born, so you �live� online because you think that there people will cause you less suffering, WRONG !
It�s just the same. Even though you can�t see them face to face it�s the same thing. They use and manipulate you, get you to think that they care about you and consider you a real friend and all so you become attached to them. Until they ignore you when they can�t use you anymore.
And when you think that that one day so long in the past you were about to get �help� but just ran away from it because you were �fine� right and you still are now or at least you like to believe it. Many years later you realize that if you hadn�t ran away from it everything would have been different and you wouldn�t be this worthless, a lost cause, today.
Too late now !
That day it all started, almost a decade ago, will always be the biggest mistake you will always regret. You wish you had known how your future would be that day. Maybe then you would have thought twice. That�s if you had a choice even that very first time anyway. Because sometimes you don�t even really know how it happened. But you certainly remember how it felt and what was going on in your head at that moment and / or just after. That you will never forget !
Do you know how it feels when it�s like you have nothing (left). Sometimes you�re starring blankly at you don�t know what and feel the tears forming in your eyes.
You hate everything and everyone, and trust nobody, because of everything they�ve always been doing to you, the way they�ve always used and manipulated you !
You don�t just live in your own bubble to avoid others and try to protect yourself from them but also to protect them from you. You don�t want them to be sad or upset because of you, who you really are.
How many times did you wish that there was someone close to you, someone to hug you and show you some love and care, someone who�s just there not because they have to but because they want to.
Think about it ! A word from a friend, an email, an e-card, a conversation (chat) online, a comment on those things they do (writing, other creations, arts�),� all those simple things can make someone �happy�, can make someone smile a bit. But who does that anymore ? It�s so much easier to not answer emails and stuff and let your �friend� (if they really consider you that, I sometimes doubt it!) feel ignored. After all you can still talk to them when you�re bored and have nothing else to do right ? You don�t think it�s just the same as using them !
A friend is someone you always want to talk to and not just when you have nothing else, nothing better, to do. You see them online, you smile and talk to them and they�re waiting for that moment too. That�s how it should be. Two people there for each other and happy to share a relationship, a true friendship.
One last thing, do you even remember that day you were truly happy ? When you were a very small kid maybe, unless your parents only gave attention to your little sister, then you probably never had a moment of true happiness. Then as you�re 7 or even 10 when you have tears falling down your cheeks they tell you that only babies cry and they hit you everytime you do something wrong so then you �have a good/real reason to cry� as they say. So you learn soon enough that keeping everything, emotions/feelings and everything else, to yourself is better. And as you grow up all they can do is yell at you for all and nothing, tell you how stupid you are, that you can do nothing good, that you�re a failure�
Don�t waste your time talking to people because they don�t care what you have to say unless you say what they want to hear and remember when someone asks you how you�re doing they want to hear that you�re fine and everything�s alright ! Figure out what they want to hear and give them what they want, please them, and you�ll have friends.
Keep wearing that big fake smile on your face because there�s always someone looking at you ! And you don�t want them to know what is really you !
- Maryline - (thanks to those who spent some of their time on my stupid writing, if you want more read my other blogs and see those links below)
http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/ (MY POETRY � updated every week)
http://s90.photobucket.com/albums/k253/maryline84/?start=all (SOME OF MY WALLPAPERS & CREATIONS)
http://www.fanfiction.net/~marylinedepp
http://www.fanfiction.net/~misssmgdeppackles
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=Maryline (SOME OF MY VIDEOS)
You know what to expect, same thing everyday.
You wake up and you know that something�s going to happen, someone will push you over the edge. Every morning you wonder what will get you so upset that the demons inside of you will wake up. You know that, like everyday, your emotions will take control and you can�t control that. You try as hard as you can but there�s nothing to do. That well known tension builds up inside, like the day before and the one before�, and it explodes big time (like in my poem). Then, after you did your thing, what you had to do to feel better or a least a bit less bad for a (short) moment (alcohol, drugs, meds,� � � whatever works for you) you feel even worse than before and guilty for behaving that way and most of all ashamed of yourself.
Same thing every single day, sometimes more than once.
Sometimes during the day you find it hard to breathe. There�s just too many things that you can�t explain, that you don�t understand, you wish you could but the truth is you can�t.
And there�s nobody to confide in and why would you anyway ? How could someone understand what you can�t understand yourself ?
Everyday you wonder how to keep that fake smile upon your face. It�s been years.
Because a smile doesn�t bring other people to possibly think that maybe something�s wrong, something�s bothering you, they take that smile for reality and smile back at you not asking anything.
You can smile at people, for pictures, videos� anything you want, and if you put enough effort into it it looks real. You think I don�t know what I�m talking about ?! I�ve been doing that for nearly 10 years now ! My own family doesn�t know a thing about me. I can fool anyone, parents, other family members, teachers, other students in High School and College, anyone at those stupid medical exams in High School (every two years) and first year at college (doctors, nurses, psychologists� even though I had been told later that they had a file about me so they knew about my past�)� and it has to stay that way. It�s just about having the ability to look �strong� and let no emotions appear on your face.
Yes, you all look at my pictures and say I have a great smile, but you don�t know what hides behind !
Do you have those nightmares at night ? The same ones all the time and then new ones ?
You know what the worst nightmare is ? The story of your life ! And when you see where it leads. When you see it like you�re someone else looking at yourself, doing those things, seeing who you are. When you see your fears coming true ! When you see others not believing in your fake smiles and lies anymore�
Everyday you suffer in silence and you keep it to yourself, like you�ve always done because who cares anyway, or, like me, you write poetry and fanfictions (you can put yourself in the stories you write without anyone to know), and sometimes a book, and find that lots of people can relate to the way you feel, what you�re going through, your daily battle, the one you always fail, the one that keeps you from having a life, from smiling (no fake smiles), from being close to people...
In the end as long as nobody around you, family, can read any of your �private� writing it�s fine, unless you want them to know of course.
And nobody around you knows anything because you don�t want them to. You fear that, them discovering your well hidden secret(s), more than anything else.
You feel so alone but yet you�re the one isolating yourself from everyone and everything, living in your own bubble, hoping that the walls will never fall. And yet the same time you wish here was someone. Someone to listen, understand and care. Someone who could let you cry in their arms. Someone to come inside the bubble you seclude yourself in. Someone who could tell you how to change, what to do, how to do it� Someone who could find the words to cheer you up. Someone you could confide in even though you can�t put words on your feelings.
In fact you wish you could put your life into someone�s hand and wait for that person to fix everything and then you�re someone else.
But as you woke up everyday you know you are all alone, alone to lose that daily battle, alone to lose control, alone to give in the temptation, alone to give up on yourself. Everyday you look at yourself with disgust. Everyday you wish it was the end, that this nightmare you�ve been living for years would finally end. Everyday you have that big smile upon your face and no one knows what�s behind.
The truth is nobody could understand you and nobody would even want to try. Face the truth you�re alone !
You are ignored, abandoned, rejected, by all, sometimes since you were born, so you �live� online because you think that there people will cause you less suffering, WRONG !
It�s just the same. Even though you can�t see them face to face it�s the same thing. They use and manipulate you, get you to think that they care about you and consider you a real friend and all so you become attached to them. Until they ignore you when they can�t use you anymore.
And when you think that that one day so long in the past you were about to get �help� but just ran away from it because you were �fine� right and you still are now or at least you like to believe it. Many years later you realize that if you hadn�t ran away from it everything would have been different and you wouldn�t be this worthless, a lost cause, today.
Too late now !
That day it all started, almost a decade ago, will always be the biggest mistake you will always regret. You wish you had known how your future would be that day. Maybe then you would have thought twice. That�s if you had a choice even that very first time anyway. Because sometimes you don�t even really know how it happened. But you certainly remember how it felt and what was going on in your head at that moment and / or just after. That you will never forget !
Do you know how it feels when it�s like you have nothing (left). Sometimes you�re starring blankly at you don�t know what and feel the tears forming in your eyes.
You hate everything and everyone, and trust nobody, because of everything they�ve always been doing to you, the way they�ve always used and manipulated you !
You don�t just live in your own bubble to avoid others and try to protect yourself from them but also to protect them from you. You don�t want them to be sad or upset because of you, who you really are.
How many times did you wish that there was someone close to you, someone to hug you and show you some love and care, someone who�s just there not because they have to but because they want to.
Think about it ! A word from a friend, an email, an e-card, a conversation (chat) online, a comment on those things they do (writing, other creations, arts�),� all those simple things can make someone �happy�, can make someone smile a bit. But who does that anymore ? It�s so much easier to not answer emails and stuff and let your �friend� (if they really consider you that, I sometimes doubt it!) feel ignored. After all you can still talk to them when you�re bored and have nothing else to do right ? You don�t think it�s just the same as using them !
A friend is someone you always want to talk to and not just when you have nothing else, nothing better, to do. You see them online, you smile and talk to them and they�re waiting for that moment too. That�s how it should be. Two people there for each other and happy to share a relationship, a true friendship.
One last thing, do you even remember that day you were truly happy ? When you were a very small kid maybe, unless your parents only gave attention to your little sister, then you probably never had a moment of true happiness. Then as you�re 7 or even 10 when you have tears falling down your cheeks they tell you that only babies cry and they hit you everytime you do something wrong so then you �have a good/real reason to cry� as they say. So you learn soon enough that keeping everything, emotions/feelings and everything else, to yourself is better. And as you grow up all they can do is yell at you for all and nothing, tell you how stupid you are, that you can do nothing good, that you�re a failure�
Don�t waste your time talking to people because they don�t care what you have to say unless you say what they want to hear and remember when someone asks you how you�re doing they want to hear that you�re fine and everything�s alright ! Figure out what they want to hear and give them what they want, please them, and you�ll have friends.
Keep wearing that big fake smile on your face because there�s always someone looking at you ! And you don�t want them to know what is really you !
- Maryline - (thanks to those who spent some of their time on my stupid writing, if you want more read my other blogs and see those links below)
http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/ (MY POETRY � updated every week)
http://s90.photobucket.com/albums/k253/maryline84/?start=all (SOME OF MY WALLPAPERS & CREATIONS)
http://www.fanfiction.net/~marylinedepp
http://www.fanfiction.net/~misssmgdeppackles
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=Maryline (SOME OF MY VIDEOS)
MORE TESTS
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion||10%Stability||10%Orderliness||||||||||||||||70%Accommodation||||||||||||||||||||90%Interdependence||10%Intellectual||||||||||||50%Mystical||||||||||||50%Artistic||||||||||||||||||76%Religious||||16%Hedonism||||||||||||||56%Materialism||||||||||||||||63%Narcissism||10%Adventurousness||10%Work ethic||||||30%Self absorbed||||||30%Conflict seeking||10%Need to dominate||||||23%Romantic||||||||||||70%Avoidant||||||||||||||||||||90%Anti-authority||||||||||||||||70%Wealth||||||||||36%Dependency||||||||||||50%Change averse||||||||||||||||70%Cautiousness||||||||||||||||||76%Individuality||||||||||36%Sexuality||||||40%Peter pan complex||||||||||||||56%Physical security||||||||||||||||63%Physical Fitness||||||||||||||||64%Histrionic||||||23%Paranoia||||||||||||||||||||83%Vanity||||||||||36%Hypersensitivity||||||||||||||||||||90%Female cliche||||||||||||||||||76%Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion results were very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
trait snapshot:
depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous
How will you die? (DETAILS!)
Suicide
Scene- Your in your room feeling even more miserable than ever. (you didnt think that that could happen) You look in your parents room and you see a gun...you pick the gun up and sit on your parent's bed. You look at the gun as if worshiping it..You see that it is fully loaded and you know that your parents arent home. You put the gun to your head and pull in a deep breath....POW your brains are splattered on the wall...you are dead...Take The Quiz Now!Quizzes by myYearbook.com
Are You Hidding All Your Problems?
Yes You Are.
Your Hiding from your problems and trying to act like you have none. But you need to accept that you may have some things you need to deal with head on if not it may stress you out to keep everything within and there will be those times that you won't know what to do. Find someone you trust and if you tell them your problems they'll seem smaller than they did before.Take The Quiz Now!Quizzes by myYearbook.com
Which of Johnny Depp's characters are you?
Edward Scissorhands
Incomplete and all alone is the line used to describe Edward at the beginning of the movie, but he finds true love and is genuilly happy even if for only a short time. Sadly, he and his love are seperated and he lives the rest of his life alone.Take The Quiz Now!Quizzes by myYearbook.com
WRITING, POEMS, THOUGHTS, LIFE... (1)
here are some of the writings I posted on another site and thought
about sharing with ya
http://www.myspace.com/marylinedepp
http://blog.myspace.com/marylinedepp
MY POETRY : http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/
The 2 sides of you...
First here's a quote : ''I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it' ~ G Keillor."
Sometimes in your life you face the truth about who you really are... and sometimes, not to say 99/100 of the time, you just pretend to be someone you're not. Why ? Because you want people to think that everything's alright, that you don't have weaknesses, issues or whatever, that you're a nice person, normal... And also because it's easier to fake a smile than to explain why you're sad or angry or whatever. You fear others' judgment and you think that nobody can understand you or sometimes you let the 'real you' talk (and feel really bad about it cause you don't like to show that side of you) and have the feeling that the other is ignoring you and what you say. So why talk ? Most of us have two sides : the 'real you' and the one you show everybody. You're not really lying it's mostly hiding. Hiding what ? Everything. Feelings, emotions, actions, beliefs, secrets... Everything that could lead others, including (close) friends, to have a bad opinion of you.
Pretending to be someone else is easy and natural once you got used to it. And after repeating a lie to yourself for so long you believe it. So when you deny the truth you're not only lying to others but also to yourself.
Sometimes you're lost, confused and don't know what to think or do anymore and most of all you feel unworthy, ignored and like nobody cares about you. You have great friends. Some of them know everything, or almost, about you and yet you can't really talk to them. You can't just sit on your chair and open up to them saying 'alright I don't feel good, something happened...I'm sad, angry...' and two words you really can't say 'help me'. You prefer acting and hiding instead of saying that but you feel bad each time you hide from them or even worse when they catch you hiding or even lying. They might feel like you don't trust them but it's not true, you just fear what they think or could think of you because you really love them and hope they love you too, you don't want them to hate you. Deep inside of you you sometimes wish they'd see there's something wrong and would ask you about it and wouldn't give up until you said everything. You might be scared of your own friends, isn't it sad ? Even if you know that they'll still be there for you no matter what you say you keep pretending to be the person you think they'd like you to be.
But remember one thing. It's not because you can pretend to be someone else, someone better, that you become that person ! If you believe so then you're lying to yourself. The 'real you' will still remain after pretending but you just prefer to ignore it because maybe you don't really like who you really are or what you've become (a mess). Sometimes you try to change and sometimes not. Maybe you've already tried a few times and always failed and then you think that you can't change and you believe that you love being the way you are even if you know it's wrong.
You might be living/dying in a hell or nightmare you created and waiting for the person who'd be able to get you out of it. It's like there's a part of you crying for help and another part of you just praying for nobody to suspect anything but deep inside you know you wish there was someone to help you or even save you from yourself or whatever. But just thinking of it scares you so you shut up, close yourself to everybody, pretend to be fine, close your eyes, hope that nobody will know about the 'real you' and keep pretending ! And of course you're 'FINE' that (fucked up) way !
-Maryline-
--------------------
Monday, October 24, 2005
It's easy...
Current mood: uncomfortable
Have you ever noticed how easier it was to hide your feelings than showing them, to lie than telling the truth, to take the easy wait out than trying to face what's really bothering you ?
But why ? sometimes I wonder. It's like we usually avoid some questions, hide things or feelings, fake smiles to let others think we're happy. In the end, like I was saying in another post about the 2 sides of us, it's all about pretending to be who others want us to be and it's kinda easy once you got used to it ! People want me to be funny, fine that's what I am, they don't want me to do certain things, fine I can lie and say I don't, like if they want me to do something I can still say I do and they can't keep an eye on me to see if I'm saying the truth or not, they want me to smile, good I can fake smiles, they want me to be happy, it's even easier, I just make up a story about happy facts or events that happened and they're happy for me.
Why do we act that way ? Are we all ashamed of showing who we really are ? Are we afraid of shocking people ? Being abandonned ? Well yea it depends on the people. In the end nobody's sincere for real. We sometimes are and sometimes we just tell others what they want to hear cause it's easier that way and others are happy and not hurt by what you might say ! As far as others are happy and you don't hurt them everything's alright ! It doesn't matter if you have to hide certains things or pretend to be what or who they want you to be !
-------------
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Ignorance...
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life
Have you ever wondered why some people talk a lot and others barely say a word ? Where are you ? in the middle ? Or maybe, like me, you were talking a lot when you were a kid and then everything changed and you talk to nobody anymore unless people talk to you !
Have you ever noticed how much people could ignore you ?
Why don't you talk (anymore) ? Mainly because you're ignored and nobody listens to you so you don't bother opening your mouth anymore. Your parents prefer your sis or bro, pointing out how smart and perfect they are and always refer to you as the failure of the family... You start talking about something and they interrupt asking how it's going at school or even worse they interrupt to talk to someone else and once they're done with that person they don't even remember you were talking ! So you don't bother talking anymore, it's useless. They apparently don't care what you have to say and it wouldn't interest them anyway.
Also, maybe you had friends when you were a kid and then when growing up it changed and you realized that it was better to be alone or with only 2 or 3 people around. And you won't make the first move to get to know new people for the same reasons and others, besides being extremely shy, you wonder why would someone be interested in getting to know you cause in the end what's good about you ? What would make someone want to talk to you ?
Here's my personal saying "by staying alone the only one you could bother is yourself !"
In the end we're all alone. Trusting people is hard especially when you've always given your trust to the wrong people. You're supposed to trust yourself but who can honestly say they can ? Trusting ourselves about what ? Making the wrong decisions ? Being what we've become ?
Also, have you ever had the feeling that everything you say was stupid ?
Back about the home thing now. Something I find frustrating is that not only they don't listen to you or even ignore you and make you feel invisible... but one day they dare come to you acting as if they wanted a hug and dare tell you that you look sad and asking what's wrong. It's freaky when it happens. What do you answer that ? What's on your mind is just random things you wish you could throw to their face like "great, after 7 years or so you finally notice !" but you keep quiet, fake a huge smile and tell them that you're happy and living a perfect life hoping they believe you, which of course they do most of the time.
But something freaky as well is when they keep on saying that they can feel there's something going on with you and they try to take it out of you but you got used to saying nothing ! They keep on trying and you keep denying and if they won't give up on their idea of you not being ok all they can say is "well, I think I should send you see someone you would talk to and who would probably help you". When you hear something like that you're shaking ! First cause they try to decide for you and again don't care about your opinion, second cause they just give up on you like always or even more this time as they know they wouldn't listen to you.
All of this to say that if some people, or everybody, don't listen to you or ignore you just be quiet and say nothing and everybody'll be happy and you'll bother nobody. At first it hurts when you want to say something and you try hard to keep your mouth shut but what hurts even more is when you start to say something and soon they interrupt you to talk to someone else without even noticing you weren't done yet ! When that happens you feel ignored, rejected and uselss or even unloved and worthless. It's easy they don't care ! Well, even if it may seem hard to keep your mouth shut at first after a few years, trust me, it becomes very natural and easy. In the end you talk to nobody or sometimes yourself just to hear your own voice !
They don't want to listen to me, fine they got what they wanted, I only talk to them when they ask me something. They think they know me but they don't !
It might seem like I'm complaining but I'm not. I won't lie and tell you that it doesn't hurt me sometimes to see that they don't care about me but well it's life, it sucks and everybody knows it ! It's the way it's supposed to be ! Now it's fine, I got used to it and keep everything to myself. Nobody never knows what I really think, nobody never knows when I'm being honest (about myself)... The only thing some people sometimes notice is when I avoid answering some questions or change subject... it's just cause it's better than lying and I don't like lying to people. Only when it's necessary, when they come closer, when they get to know the 'real me' a bit too much, it scares me and I fear to lose them. If I lose my online friends (they're my only and real friends !!!) then I have nothing left !!! So lying, pretending, faking or whatever it takes not to lose them is sometimes a necessity but I'm not proud of it ! You know when I'm honest ? When I feel like the other is honest with me and really interested in what they want to know and aren't just talking to do something or when they're knowing something already and it's too late to denying ... ! cause I might not be perfect but I'm no liar !
I know what you think... lol I might not talk but for sure I can write a lot. Well, what can I say I like writing, especially poems and fanfictions !
Bed time now ! Don't forget to change the time, we sleep one hour more !
- Maryline -
http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/
-------------
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
some anger (might contain unkind language)
Current mood: angry
Alright you all know that when I'm angry I don't scream or throw objects or whatever but right now I feel like screaming but I can't. I can't wake them up. So I'm just gonna say everything I wanna say and I won't care if you don't like it !
I'm so fed up with everybody ignoring me all the fucking time, or just telling me that they care when they don't, trying to be nice when they just can't even remember my name, saying I'm cute and then trying to rape me, saying I'm too kind and take advantage of me, ... I say STOP this has been for too long, it hurts too much, all of these bastards can go fuck themselves, I don't wanna have that anymore, I can't take this shit anymore. If it keeps on going that way I'm gonna do something stupid for the very last time and nobody could tell me not to ! This is how it's gonna end ! And it might be quite soon.
And don't fucking tell me I think too much or care too much about what other people think of might think of me I KNOW ! STOP saying you're there for me if you don't mean it or that you really wanna help if you just say that to make me feel better cause in the end you won't make me feel better, it's selfish when you're saying that just for yourself, to feel better yourself ! It's playing with others' feelings !
Thank you all for bringing me down, making me feel like I mean nothing, that I'm a mistake, a nightmare alive... that everything'd be better without me alright soon that's what you'll have !!! And for making me feel like shit all the time making me believe that I'm stupid, unworthy... so now it's really the way I feel all the time. I'm so lost and broken that I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is the mess I've become and it's been way too long and I do believe that change is always possible even if it's hard but not alone but I do feel alone and like nobody truly cares.
btw I know I keep telling that I'm the only guilty one for the decisions I've made all my life but whose fault is it if I've become nothing or a mess, a constant failure, why am I not confident, scared of everything, don't have faith, believe in nothing, self destructive ... ? It can't be only my fault, it's your fault too ! Now it's too late ! So thank you for everything, for ruining my life !
Something I'd like to say to all these 'nice' people faking to be kind and everything to take advantage of me, bring me down, talking to me when they have nobody else... "CUT THE CRAP, STOP BULLSHITTING". Who are you fooling ? Who the hell do you think you are ? Do you fuckin think you're better than others ? Damn, look at yourself in the mirror before judging others !
You all know that I'm not like that in general, I keep everything to myself, hardly show some emotions or feelings, only talk about myself when you ask a question, or I deny, fake smiles, pretend that everything's fine and that I'm happy, living a perfect life... well tonight you got 80/100 of the "real me" talking instead of the "fake me" you hear/read everyday, don't get used to it !
I'm sorry for all the people I might hurt by talking that way but some of them might be 'happy' I could FOR ONCE say what I really feel and write my anger down instead of trying to forget another way
Well it's time to try to get some sleep now though I can never really sleep with everything I'm scared of right now and I know it's never gonna stop and can only go worse !
- Maryline
http://www.myspace.com/marylinedepp
http://blog.myspace.com/marylinedepp
MY POETRY : http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/
The 2 sides of you...
First here's a quote : ''I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it' ~ G Keillor."
Sometimes in your life you face the truth about who you really are... and sometimes, not to say 99/100 of the time, you just pretend to be someone you're not. Why ? Because you want people to think that everything's alright, that you don't have weaknesses, issues or whatever, that you're a nice person, normal... And also because it's easier to fake a smile than to explain why you're sad or angry or whatever. You fear others' judgment and you think that nobody can understand you or sometimes you let the 'real you' talk (and feel really bad about it cause you don't like to show that side of you) and have the feeling that the other is ignoring you and what you say. So why talk ? Most of us have two sides : the 'real you' and the one you show everybody. You're not really lying it's mostly hiding. Hiding what ? Everything. Feelings, emotions, actions, beliefs, secrets... Everything that could lead others, including (close) friends, to have a bad opinion of you.
Pretending to be someone else is easy and natural once you got used to it. And after repeating a lie to yourself for so long you believe it. So when you deny the truth you're not only lying to others but also to yourself.
Sometimes you're lost, confused and don't know what to think or do anymore and most of all you feel unworthy, ignored and like nobody cares about you. You have great friends. Some of them know everything, or almost, about you and yet you can't really talk to them. You can't just sit on your chair and open up to them saying 'alright I don't feel good, something happened...I'm sad, angry...' and two words you really can't say 'help me'. You prefer acting and hiding instead of saying that but you feel bad each time you hide from them or even worse when they catch you hiding or even lying. They might feel like you don't trust them but it's not true, you just fear what they think or could think of you because you really love them and hope they love you too, you don't want them to hate you. Deep inside of you you sometimes wish they'd see there's something wrong and would ask you about it and wouldn't give up until you said everything. You might be scared of your own friends, isn't it sad ? Even if you know that they'll still be there for you no matter what you say you keep pretending to be the person you think they'd like you to be.
But remember one thing. It's not because you can pretend to be someone else, someone better, that you become that person ! If you believe so then you're lying to yourself. The 'real you' will still remain after pretending but you just prefer to ignore it because maybe you don't really like who you really are or what you've become (a mess). Sometimes you try to change and sometimes not. Maybe you've already tried a few times and always failed and then you think that you can't change and you believe that you love being the way you are even if you know it's wrong.
You might be living/dying in a hell or nightmare you created and waiting for the person who'd be able to get you out of it. It's like there's a part of you crying for help and another part of you just praying for nobody to suspect anything but deep inside you know you wish there was someone to help you or even save you from yourself or whatever. But just thinking of it scares you so you shut up, close yourself to everybody, pretend to be fine, close your eyes, hope that nobody will know about the 'real you' and keep pretending ! And of course you're 'FINE' that (fucked up) way !
-Maryline-
--------------------
Monday, October 24, 2005
It's easy...
Current mood: uncomfortable
Have you ever noticed how easier it was to hide your feelings than showing them, to lie than telling the truth, to take the easy wait out than trying to face what's really bothering you ?
But why ? sometimes I wonder. It's like we usually avoid some questions, hide things or feelings, fake smiles to let others think we're happy. In the end, like I was saying in another post about the 2 sides of us, it's all about pretending to be who others want us to be and it's kinda easy once you got used to it ! People want me to be funny, fine that's what I am, they don't want me to do certain things, fine I can lie and say I don't, like if they want me to do something I can still say I do and they can't keep an eye on me to see if I'm saying the truth or not, they want me to smile, good I can fake smiles, they want me to be happy, it's even easier, I just make up a story about happy facts or events that happened and they're happy for me.
Why do we act that way ? Are we all ashamed of showing who we really are ? Are we afraid of shocking people ? Being abandonned ? Well yea it depends on the people. In the end nobody's sincere for real. We sometimes are and sometimes we just tell others what they want to hear cause it's easier that way and others are happy and not hurt by what you might say ! As far as others are happy and you don't hurt them everything's alright ! It doesn't matter if you have to hide certains things or pretend to be what or who they want you to be !
-------------
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Ignorance...
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life
Have you ever wondered why some people talk a lot and others barely say a word ? Where are you ? in the middle ? Or maybe, like me, you were talking a lot when you were a kid and then everything changed and you talk to nobody anymore unless people talk to you !
Have you ever noticed how much people could ignore you ?
Why don't you talk (anymore) ? Mainly because you're ignored and nobody listens to you so you don't bother opening your mouth anymore. Your parents prefer your sis or bro, pointing out how smart and perfect they are and always refer to you as the failure of the family... You start talking about something and they interrupt asking how it's going at school or even worse they interrupt to talk to someone else and once they're done with that person they don't even remember you were talking ! So you don't bother talking anymore, it's useless. They apparently don't care what you have to say and it wouldn't interest them anyway.
Also, maybe you had friends when you were a kid and then when growing up it changed and you realized that it was better to be alone or with only 2 or 3 people around. And you won't make the first move to get to know new people for the same reasons and others, besides being extremely shy, you wonder why would someone be interested in getting to know you cause in the end what's good about you ? What would make someone want to talk to you ?
Here's my personal saying "by staying alone the only one you could bother is yourself !"
In the end we're all alone. Trusting people is hard especially when you've always given your trust to the wrong people. You're supposed to trust yourself but who can honestly say they can ? Trusting ourselves about what ? Making the wrong decisions ? Being what we've become ?
Also, have you ever had the feeling that everything you say was stupid ?
Back about the home thing now. Something I find frustrating is that not only they don't listen to you or even ignore you and make you feel invisible... but one day they dare come to you acting as if they wanted a hug and dare tell you that you look sad and asking what's wrong. It's freaky when it happens. What do you answer that ? What's on your mind is just random things you wish you could throw to their face like "great, after 7 years or so you finally notice !" but you keep quiet, fake a huge smile and tell them that you're happy and living a perfect life hoping they believe you, which of course they do most of the time.
But something freaky as well is when they keep on saying that they can feel there's something going on with you and they try to take it out of you but you got used to saying nothing ! They keep on trying and you keep denying and if they won't give up on their idea of you not being ok all they can say is "well, I think I should send you see someone you would talk to and who would probably help you". When you hear something like that you're shaking ! First cause they try to decide for you and again don't care about your opinion, second cause they just give up on you like always or even more this time as they know they wouldn't listen to you.
All of this to say that if some people, or everybody, don't listen to you or ignore you just be quiet and say nothing and everybody'll be happy and you'll bother nobody. At first it hurts when you want to say something and you try hard to keep your mouth shut but what hurts even more is when you start to say something and soon they interrupt you to talk to someone else without even noticing you weren't done yet ! When that happens you feel ignored, rejected and uselss or even unloved and worthless. It's easy they don't care ! Well, even if it may seem hard to keep your mouth shut at first after a few years, trust me, it becomes very natural and easy. In the end you talk to nobody or sometimes yourself just to hear your own voice !
They don't want to listen to me, fine they got what they wanted, I only talk to them when they ask me something. They think they know me but they don't !
It might seem like I'm complaining but I'm not. I won't lie and tell you that it doesn't hurt me sometimes to see that they don't care about me but well it's life, it sucks and everybody knows it ! It's the way it's supposed to be ! Now it's fine, I got used to it and keep everything to myself. Nobody never knows what I really think, nobody never knows when I'm being honest (about myself)... The only thing some people sometimes notice is when I avoid answering some questions or change subject... it's just cause it's better than lying and I don't like lying to people. Only when it's necessary, when they come closer, when they get to know the 'real me' a bit too much, it scares me and I fear to lose them. If I lose my online friends (they're my only and real friends !!!) then I have nothing left !!! So lying, pretending, faking or whatever it takes not to lose them is sometimes a necessity but I'm not proud of it ! You know when I'm honest ? When I feel like the other is honest with me and really interested in what they want to know and aren't just talking to do something or when they're knowing something already and it's too late to denying ... ! cause I might not be perfect but I'm no liar !
I know what you think... lol I might not talk but for sure I can write a lot. Well, what can I say I like writing, especially poems and fanfictions !
Bed time now ! Don't forget to change the time, we sleep one hour more !
- Maryline -
http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/
-------------
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
some anger (might contain unkind language)
Current mood: angry
Alright you all know that when I'm angry I don't scream or throw objects or whatever but right now I feel like screaming but I can't. I can't wake them up. So I'm just gonna say everything I wanna say and I won't care if you don't like it !
I'm so fed up with everybody ignoring me all the fucking time, or just telling me that they care when they don't, trying to be nice when they just can't even remember my name, saying I'm cute and then trying to rape me, saying I'm too kind and take advantage of me, ... I say STOP this has been for too long, it hurts too much, all of these bastards can go fuck themselves, I don't wanna have that anymore, I can't take this shit anymore. If it keeps on going that way I'm gonna do something stupid for the very last time and nobody could tell me not to ! This is how it's gonna end ! And it might be quite soon.
And don't fucking tell me I think too much or care too much about what other people think of might think of me I KNOW ! STOP saying you're there for me if you don't mean it or that you really wanna help if you just say that to make me feel better cause in the end you won't make me feel better, it's selfish when you're saying that just for yourself, to feel better yourself ! It's playing with others' feelings !
Thank you all for bringing me down, making me feel like I mean nothing, that I'm a mistake, a nightmare alive... that everything'd be better without me alright soon that's what you'll have !!! And for making me feel like shit all the time making me believe that I'm stupid, unworthy... so now it's really the way I feel all the time. I'm so lost and broken that I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is the mess I've become and it's been way too long and I do believe that change is always possible even if it's hard but not alone but I do feel alone and like nobody truly cares.
btw I know I keep telling that I'm the only guilty one for the decisions I've made all my life but whose fault is it if I've become nothing or a mess, a constant failure, why am I not confident, scared of everything, don't have faith, believe in nothing, self destructive ... ? It can't be only my fault, it's your fault too ! Now it's too late ! So thank you for everything, for ruining my life !
Something I'd like to say to all these 'nice' people faking to be kind and everything to take advantage of me, bring me down, talking to me when they have nobody else... "CUT THE CRAP, STOP BULLSHITTING". Who are you fooling ? Who the hell do you think you are ? Do you fuckin think you're better than others ? Damn, look at yourself in the mirror before judging others !
You all know that I'm not like that in general, I keep everything to myself, hardly show some emotions or feelings, only talk about myself when you ask a question, or I deny, fake smiles, pretend that everything's fine and that I'm happy, living a perfect life... well tonight you got 80/100 of the "real me" talking instead of the "fake me" you hear/read everyday, don't get used to it !
I'm sorry for all the people I might hurt by talking that way but some of them might be 'happy' I could FOR ONCE say what I really feel and write my anger down instead of trying to forget another way
Well it's time to try to get some sleep now though I can never really sleep with everything I'm scared of right now and I know it's never gonna stop and can only go worse !
- Maryline
Todos os comentários devem ser aprovados pelo autor do Blog.
- Loading ...
- Add a Comment
WRITING, POEMS, THOUGHTS, LIFE... (2)
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I WANT THEM TO SHUT UP !!!
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life
Anyone has any idea how to make the parents shut up !
As soon as they're up they start bitching at me.
I don't even talk to them, couldn't they just do the same ???
Be nice to my sis and mean to me, that's just fair !
Will they ever consider me an adult ?
Am I such a bad daughter that they hate me so much ? What have I done to deserve this ?
Do they really want to get rid of me ? If that's what they want, fine !
The only thing they need me for is to have someone to bitch at !
I'll never forget a few months ago when my sis went on holiday with her bf for a week. My mom came to me saying the house was empty now and I was like "thanks, I'm here !", she looked at me saying "with you it's like having no daughter at all !!!
Great, isn't it ?
Like I can remember the day she said I was pissing her off by never saying a word and that she should kick me out of the house, great too bad she didn't do it !
It's be
I WANT THEM TO SHUT UP !!!
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life
Anyone has any idea how to make the parents shut up !
As soon as they're up they start bitching at me.
I don't even talk to them, couldn't they just do the same ???
Be nice to my sis and mean to me, that's just fair !
Will they ever consider me an adult ?
Am I such a bad daughter that they hate me so much ? What have I done to deserve this ?
Do they really want to get rid of me ? If that's what they want, fine !
The only thing they need me for is to have someone to bitch at !
I'll never forget a few months ago when my sis went on holiday with her bf for a week. My mom came to me saying the house was empty now and I was like "thanks, I'm here !", she looked at me saying "with you it's like having no daughter at all !!!
Great, isn't it ?
Like I can remember the day she said I was pissing her off by never saying a word and that she should kick me out of the house, great too bad she didn't do it !
It's be